Tuesday, December 21, 2010

What I’d Love to See in a Real December Wedding

You may think that it’s pretty foolish of me to dish out my wonderful ideas about a real-deal December wedding, but no I’m not of marrying age yet (25 is the new 16, or haven’t you heard?). And if I were, it wouldn’t be in the effin’ middle of December, the season for Christmas parties galore and videoke sessions with my favorite “hamon” as pulutan. I simply don’t want to spend those days dieting to fit into a size 2 wedding gown. I’m saying this because given my height and overall dislike for heels, I should ideally be a size 2 or I’d end up looking like a chicken lollipop. Now to end the introduction, here are some things I haven’t really seen on those very popular December weddings, and if you are going to tie the knot in the next few days, then feel free to use them!

A one-horse open sleigh

Yes, those cutesy prenup’s may feature things like a horse-drawn Kalesa or a century-old vintage car, but since it’s the Christmas season, why don’t you adhere to tradition instead? And by tradition I’m referring to American-inspired yet so-called traditional motifs that totally disregard the fact that we are in fact in a tropical country where you would be a fool to wear boots and a red lumpy snowsuit. But I would personally love to see a bride riding a one-horse open sleigh, with native spotted reindeers from the Visayas. Or should we start referring to it as a one-deer open sleight to avoid the confusion. Now wouldn’t that be such a sight? 
 One-Deer Open Sleighs should be the mode of transportation if you want to avoid wasting too much gas on your Dad's white bug.

Mistletoe Kissing Stations

If there’s one thing I hate the most about weddings, it would definitely be those traditional wedding rituals that tend to embarrass even the most extrovert member of the entourage. And to make matters worse, the entire wedding reception would be punctuated by the constant tinkling of spoons, forks and knives against anything that may make a sound. This would usually indicate that the bride and groom would have to kiss yet again. As if we want see more and more of that! If that’s the case, we might as well go with them to the honeymoon suite. So why don’t we put up random mistletoe kissing stations instead? It can be as discrete as a simple little mistletoe trinket among the branches of a tree (if it’s an outdoor reception) or as blatant as a ginormous mistletoe above the wedding cake. Whatever the case, I think it’s a better alternative compared to the constant tinkling that will probably cause a few broken wine glasses (which the bride and groom would have to pay, of course) before the night is through. 
 I could have searched for a better picture, but this will have to do.

Elven Ring-bearers and Flower Girls

Now your flower girls don’t necessarily have to be Liv Tyler-ish and your ring-bearers don’t have to look like Orlando Bloom in LOTR (which incidentally reminds me of the Malfoy clan in Harry Potter), but you can dress them up in fancy fairy wings and ear extensions. If I were still a small kid, I’m pretty sure I would want to go to a wedding that pretty much looks like a kiddie costume party. I wouldn’t want to be trapped under layers upon layers of chiffon and velvet the whole time you know. 

This is Steve Tyler's kid, can you believe they both have the same genetic composition?

If that Jacob guy only dyed his hair, he'd fit right in!

Snow-Machine instead of rice showers, bubbles, butterflies and flowers

If you haven’t noticed it yet, we are in the middle of a rice shortage. And unless you want to eat sweet potatoes and be a walking farting spree all day, then I suggest another alternative to your rice showers. Bubbles, butterflies and flowers have all been used up and can be mighty cheesy if you do ask me. Butterflies should also be protected by animal rights laws, even if you can’t make a fur coat out of them. They always happen to end their lives in a jar for a science project, in a mosaic for the sake of art or in your little kid’s butterfly net. Whatever happened to insect rights anyway? So why don’t you rent a snow-machine and have a White Christmas Wedding for a change? As long as the so-called snow doesn’t look like a soap sud shower, it will be a refreshing sight in the middle of December.
 He looks so much like that kid from Jerry Maguire.

A red wedding dress

Whoever said white is the color of virginity and purity has never probably laid eyes on an FHM cover with celebrities clad in stark WHITE skimpy under-things. According to what little research I did, Queen Victoria was the one who popularized the white wedding dress during her time. And if you are allergic to pollen and dislike the sight of flowers and bouquets, you should probably blame her too. It turns out that the traditional practice was for the bride to wear her best dress during her wedding, no matter what color it may be. So why don’t you walk down the red carpeted aisle with your dashing red wedding dress? Dashing through the snow white carpet can also be arranged if you really want to step it up a notch. What to do with the yards and yards of white carpet later on, well, I really don’t know. You can always just cut it up into rectangular pieces, sew on HOME SWEET HOME in the middle and give it to your friends as a wedding favor. They will remember you every time they have to get rid of dirt and dog poop before they step inside their homes. 

 White in all its different shapes and yes, forms.

So go ahead and take your pick!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Notes for the Average Ultimate Frisbee Player

1. There’s a reason why they are always looking you off. And though scrimmage is not at all encouraged by virtue of the spirit of the game, you can always call their attention when you’re free for a complete pass. Trust me. I have long realized that those long sprints have just got to hurt! If you’re a guy, try wearing a skirt. The sight of your manly appendage peeking out may be enough to draw attention (if the handler doesn’t see you, the crowd will).

These guys sure know the drill. If you can pull this off with a disc in your hands, nobody will ever question your manhood.

2. Someday soon, you will be doing your very first bid for a lay-out. And yes, nobody will ever catch it on film or on their trusty digi-things. So do it again and again until somebody finally notices. Ask Joel Silver.

This guy didn’t get too lucky. He got captured alright, just not his face.

For all that dirt, you two boys forgot all about the disc!

3. Half of your Ultimate Frisbee career may be spent explaining what the whole thing is actually about. A percentage of that may be allotted to meaningful arguments where you need to convince them that Spotty or Whitey is not your teammate.

4. It’s ok to be filed for DUI (Diving Under the Influence). Just as long as you catch that disc, nobody will be keeping tabs on you. That makes Lindsay Lohan a potential player, if she can only stick to organics! So if I were you, loosen up a bit, have a beer, have an entire case! The whole point of the game is to enjoy, hence the smaller score boards!

6-9, and you may be thinking of a different type of “score”.

5. There’s no such thing as a bad hair day in Ultimate. Deal with whatever God gave you. You can go easy on the side burns, or have a full Freddie Mercury effect. The more outrageous, the better! On some accounts, you can even go without any hair at all. When this happens (due to heredity or a stressful middle-class job), make sure you make up for it with attitude.

"Momma...just killed a man...."

After watching Mel Gibson’s Lenten season film, I wouldn’t want to contest this guy.

If you can’t beat them at a good Mohawk, curl it up you twisted freak!

Well, if you're undecided, you can always go for a Curlawk!

6. Make use of ultimate terms as potential pick-up lines. If you sucked on the playing field, your chances at a tourney romance may be slimmer. But you have socials night to make up for it. Just make sure you don’t use “grappling” and “strip” together in one sentence.

The guy with the pink shirt almost got away with the grappling, but she changed her mind. The short guy got lucky though. There must be something about underwear across your chest that simply spells “pick-up”!

Didn’t I tell you not to do it on the field? She needs to down at least 4 bottles for the pick-up trick to work.

Wanna play with these goofballs? Here's a link, you know what to do, now do it!

Ultimate Club of Iloilo
Mighty Cocks

Monday, December 6, 2010

Let's celebrate the gift of time!

Sometimes we forget that time is a constant thing that flies swiftly, its a good thing to be reminded once in a while. Well, speaking of time, here's a video that I will never regret writing for. Yes, its the closest I've yet been to celebrity status. And I plan to enjoy it every single second. Let's toast to seconds and minutes and hours. Let's celebrate the gift of time!

Let's Celebrate the Gift of Time : SWATCH from Mayad Studios on Vimeo.